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Those Two Pink Lines brought the emotions I didn’t know existed within (Part-2)

Those Two Pink Lines brought the emotions I didn’t know existed within (Part-2)
Dear readers, do you believe words have magic? They can heal you or works as a medicine for your pain and medicine. For me, writing is that magic. It just makes me smile from within. When the words start to flow the humdrum of the world quietens.

This is part two of “hose Two Pink Lines brought the emotions I didn’t know existed within”, you can read part 1 here.

Falling in love with your baby is a gradual process for some and I had experienced it with my firstborn. Unlike what the world told me I did not fall in love with her first cry or didn’t get all the motherly instinct the minute she was born. My delivery took a bit of soul from me When needed to hear the comforting words after the surgery I was faced with body shaming laughter and rude remarks about being a mom to a Daughter?

Then the postpartum depression took over and I hated every minute of being a mom. This still sends a shiver down my spine when I think about the whole delivery process.

The morning of 14th February, I saw those two pink lines, and my head was filled with the horrors of my first delivery. I couldn’t think anything beyond that. I just cried because that’s the only way I knew to cope up with the given situation. The man of the house sat next to me and made sure that he just let me cry till I soothed on my own.

He said it in one line “This is our decision just the two of us, no one else is allowed any opinion. You decide what we do next and I am there with you.”

That’s when a part of me realized I was more worried about what if? more than what’s next. I was worried about what if I decide not to continue with this and the people brand me of an evil woman. What would others say?

I spoke to Taran, almost every hour in the next couple of days to vent out my anger, aggression, and confusion. Oh, this girl has the power of listening to any of my nonsensical thoughts and it’s not a joke that I am never judged.

For someone, who is reading would be thinking, what’s the big deal, change the hospital and doctors? and it should be fine. Well, no. My thoughts were stronger than ever and I felt it was a nightmare instead of a blessing. We didn’t disclose the pregnancy to our parents for a whole month. My siblings got to know about it after a week and I could see their blinding smiles.

Not that they said anything in particular looking at my face but I could sense the happiness in their voice. I had to come to terms with my trauma and face it head-on if I wanted to continue with the pregnancy. The first two months took everything in me to fight those monsters in my head, I vanished from social media and kept my mind focused on how I wanted my life to pan out.

Missing an all-girls trip planned months ago wasn’t a big help either and my tears duct started hurting when I cried the whole night. I just thought all my plans are going in vain and that is not how I wanted to move on with my life. I was so scared of what would come next that I visited the clinic to put a stop to my mental suffering and returned the next minute.

I went for my first ultrasound in the 8th week and like the doc read my mind said looking straight at me “Promise me you won’t compare this pregnancy to the previous one and I promise you that it will be one of the best phases of your life”

I didn’t know I had so many tears in me oh, I bawled, and listening to that heartbeat shifted something within me.

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kavita

Mom of a beautiful and most adorable baby girl. I am a dreamer and a true optimist with a drop of crazy at heart. I have always been fascinated with the perpetual link of a pen and a heart. It amazes me how beautifully pen can write what heart truly believes. I am a stubborn daughter, pampered wife, doting mother and free-spirited human being. Do not forget to visit www.momtastciworld.com and www.clumsythoughts.com


Reader Comments

  1. being a mother , I understand your feelings and emotions well. yes! we need to makeup our mind accordingly before planning for 2nd one. I am am sailing in he sama boat..like my first kid is 2.5.
    I have a dream to publish my book officially on amazon before I plan for the second one.

  2. I totally Feel this Kavita. Even though among my husband and me, I was the one who was more keen on having a second child, I totally panicked when I saw the two pink lines. It took me a lot of days to prepare myself. But now I know this was the best thing that ever happened to our family. I promise you that things will fall right into place when Junior comes .

  3. I can so relate to this post and your emotions Kavita. Have been through the same feelings two years ago when I had found out about my second pregnancy. It indeed is a great experience each time and unique too.

  4. Pregnancy is a beautiful journey and I had lot of complications post my 1st delivery n my husband was adamant not to have another one but I knew it within that I want another child too. It is tough but there is nothing we women can’t do.

  5. Every pregnancy brings a whole new set of experiences, emotions and feelings. Some beautiful, some not so beautiful. I can totally relate with what you must have felt. Thanks for sharing.

  6. It is indeed a beautiful journey, and each phase is to be enjoyed perfectly. I am getting hooked to this series, as you have shared each and every emotion so beautifully.

  7. I am so proud of you as well as hoot husband dear, all will be well I am sure just don’t compare it with the last time

  8. Motherhood is such a strong emotion and indeed it different for every child we have. I loved the doc’s advice even if that made you cry. Very practical!

  9. Loved reading this post. It is so touching and poignant and at the same time inspiring too. Sometimes bad experiences are like a dark night that precedes a beautiful morning.

  10. Motherhood phase is a beautiful journey during pregnancy and loved the title.. And I can relate the moment of scan and heartbeat is priceless.

  11. pregnancy is a roller coaster ride for sure but I am sure the moment you saw the tiny creature and heart beat on scan you would be super elated. Lovely write up .

  12. Motherhood is a beautiful journey and yes, it’s so true that every pregnancy differs from the other. God bless you with happy pregnancy and healthy life!!

  13. Pregnancy no doubt is a mixed bag of feelings. Love the words which the doctor said, I am sure it must have given you comfort. Best wishes Dear.

  14. Yes when we go through a hard phase during first pregnancy, it create a state of fear and anxiousness in next one. but with time and keeping patience , things will fall in place. wishing you good luck for new baby arrival.

  15. I completely understand your bag of mixed feelings. Motherhood, pregnancy is a unique experience and we don’t know how to react. Sometimes we don’t know why we cried. But your doctor is correct, do not compare your pregnancy with the previous one. God has blessed you with this beautiful experience for the second time. Cherish these moments.

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