Dear readers, do you believe words have magic? They can heal you or works as a medicine for your pain and medicine. For me, writing is that magic. It just makes me smile from within. When the words start to flow the humdrum of the world quietens.
This is part two of “hose Two Pink Lines brought the emotions I didn’t know existed within”, you can read part 1 here.
Falling in love with your baby is a gradual process for some and I had experienced it with my firstborn. Unlike what the world told me I did not fall in love with her first cry or didn’t get all the motherly instinct the minute she was born. My delivery took a bit of soul from me When needed to hear the comforting words after the surgery I was faced with body shaming laughter and rude remarks about being a mom to a Daughter?
Then the postpartum depression took over and I hated every minute of being a mom. This still sends a shiver down my spine when I think about the whole delivery process.
The morning of 14th February, I saw those two pink lines, and my head was filled with the horrors of my first delivery. I couldn’t think anything beyond that. I just cried because that’s the only way I knew to cope up with the given situation. The man of the house sat next to me and made sure that he just let me cry till I soothed on my own.
He said it in one line “This is our decision just the two of us, no one else is allowed any opinion. You decide what we do next and I am there with you.”
That’s when a part of me realized I was more worried about what if? more than what’s next. I was worried about what if I decide not to continue with this and the people brand me of an evil woman. What would others say?
I spoke to Taran, almost every hour in the next couple of days to vent out my anger, aggression, and confusion. Oh, this girl has the power of listening to any of my nonsensical thoughts and it’s not a joke that I am never judged.
For someone, who is reading would be thinking, what’s the big deal, change the hospital and doctors? and it should be fine. Well, no. My thoughts were stronger than ever and I felt it was a nightmare instead of a blessing. We didn’t disclose the pregnancy to our parents for a whole month. My siblings got to know about it after a week and I could see their blinding smiles.
Not that they said anything in particular looking at my face but I could sense the happiness in their voice. I had to come to terms with my trauma and face it head-on if I wanted to continue with the pregnancy. The first two months took everything in me to fight those monsters in my head, I vanished from social media and kept my mind focused on how I wanted my life to pan out.
Missing an all-girls trip planned months ago wasn’t a big help either and my tears duct started hurting when I cried the whole night. I just thought all my plans are going in vain and that is not how I wanted to move on with my life. I was so scared of what would come next that I visited the clinic to put a stop to my mental suffering and returned the next minute.
I went for my first ultrasound in the 8th week and like the doc read my mind said looking straight at me “Promise me you won’t compare this pregnancy to the previous one and I promise you that it will be one of the best phases of your life”
I didn’t know I had so many tears in me oh, I bawled, and listening to that heartbeat shifted something within me.
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