Motherhood and loneliness go hand in hand at times. As much as we enjoy the space that our little one has in our life at the same time we crave for the space we had for ourselves. I do not want to sound ungrateful for anything and everything that I am blessed with in life. But there are few feelings that are difficult to explain because we fear being judged by the people around us.
How can I feel lonely when I never get to pee in peace? How can I feel lonely when I don’t get time to sleep straight 5 hours at night? How can I feel lonely when a term personal-space never existed in my life from past 2 years?
The answer is I still do.
The human existence for me stays between me and my toddler for 60 to 80 percent of the day. Bless my people who stay with me and manage to be back at home every evening to make me feel like human again.
A friend of mine asked me that I try to be out of the house almost every weekend how?? My answer never changes “because I want to remain sane”. At the cost of sounding like a bad mom, I still would like to say it does get overwhelming to stay with a tiny human being all day long and not feel like “I had enough of craziness for the day”.
My existence at the moment is limited to raising a responsible citizen for tomorrow who at the moment denies to poop in a potty seat. It is indeed challenging, physically and mentally. But this loneliness has nothing to do with tiredness and exhaustion, it is about feeling fulfilled with whatever we are doing.
Being at home with a baby 24*7 and 365 days a year effing hard. It hits me with the strongest of the feeling to find the identity for myself. I enjoy playing the role of everything from daughter to a sister and from wife to a mother, but amidst all that in past couple of years what I miss the most is “ME”.
After struggling with this feeling with the longest time, I made few changes in life. I cannot say that the feeling isn’t there anymore but it is not as strong as I use to feel before. There are few things that helped me in this phase and I really hope any mom going through the similar phase can find few helpful points out of these:
Do not deny the existence of loneliness:
It is real and no, it is not just because of the lack of sleep. Accept the fact and work towards it. Loneliness does not necessarily mean that you are sad all the time. It is a constant feeling of something missing in life but you can put your finger on anything.
A mommy can understand a mommy:
Believe me, I never believed in this but I have to say I was wrong. The only person who can actually understand what you are going through is someone who has been in your shoes. I am lucky enough to find a couple of moms through this digital world who knows when I need my space and when they need to lend an ear.
Friends are for life is NOT a lie:
Oh boy, I never felt this close to my girl gang. The talk is absolutely crazy with them. They are my door of escape from the mommy-hood jungle. There are few people in front of whom I can declare that at times, I hate being a mom and I know for a fact the answer would be “I hear you girl, let’s catch up for a drink”
Time Out is important:
Being in a nuclear family, this one was really challenging. Thanks to my support system I still can manage for a time-out session almost once a week. Had the support was not given by my husband, sister and brother I swear I would have been admitted to mental hospital.